Quick Colombiana Review

Unless you want your intelligence insulted, do not waste your time and money on this movie. It holds the honor as the first movie I have ever walked out of. The movie is almost 2 hours long, and I think I walked out at the 1½ hour mark, even though my instincts were crying out to me to leave at the one hour mark! This was bad, so bad that it gets a straight F, barely missing an F- by a hair.

It was so bad that the two-minute trailer for the Taylor "Shark Boy" Lautner movie Abduction was more interesting than any two-minutes in Colombiana!

And I should have known things were going to be bad when they played the trailer for the "remake" of Footloose! The 80s ended over twenty years ago, so the kid should not be wearing a skinny-tie on the first day of school! I'm not a big fan of the original, but it was so horrifying that I couldn't turn away! That explosion you heard shortly before noon Pacific time was my head!

And then there was the trailer for the annual remake of The Three Musketeers! Can you say "KABOOM"?
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I was suckered for the trailer looking a tad promising, but that was just about it. I've seen ads on TV since coming back from the movie and half of the ad must take place in that last half hour, because I don't recall seeing a lot of what they showed.
Yes, thank you. Just some trees down in my neighborhood. And we lost power yesterday into this morning.
But... but... Zoe Saldana... with guns... kicking ass and looking incredibly gorgeous... how can they mess that up?

*sigh* Maybe I'll see it when it hits the three buck theater and I'm in need of some stellar air conditioning.
I was thinking that way, too, but there were just so many minuses adding up... and she's just... not that convincing. She had one good kill sequence and spent half the time in ventilation shafts. It was a mess, predictable, you name it.

Worse thing was that it was obviously trying waaaaay too hard to get a PG-13 rating. A lot of toned-down violence and a complete lack of nudity (when there could have been a lot of both) was a big factor. CGI sharks reacting to blood that's not red... dialogue that was just awful...

Maybe there was something in that last half hour, but I wasn't going to stick around to see it.